12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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