My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
