i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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