my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
