my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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