Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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