I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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