so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
