Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize