Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
