I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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