i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
