Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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