Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Randomize
