It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
