Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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