Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize