i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My Sexting was not on an AP level
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
