i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize