I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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