I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
