Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
