Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
