I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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