So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
