Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
wanna go halves on a baby?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
