Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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