Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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