you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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