The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
