another moral hangover. fuck.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
