oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
