i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
