capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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