Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
