i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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