morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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