DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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