did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
