the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
