my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
