You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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