So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
