dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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