I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
