fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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