eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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