I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
