I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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