is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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