then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My ass is underappreciated
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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