I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
