just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
is wine microwaveable?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
