The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
