It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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