i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The best revenge is premature balding
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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