I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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