Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
