anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
