Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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