I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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