first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
