this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
