I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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