I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
