The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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