my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
