What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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