listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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